Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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