I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
