Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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