totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
