Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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