My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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