"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
