Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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