A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
