Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
