I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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