yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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