I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
