I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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