I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
