Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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