They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
