so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
