Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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