I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
