nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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