I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
