the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
