we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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