...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
