I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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