get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
