I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
