he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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