me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
