My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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