Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I party with great urgency now.
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