i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
