i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
