can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
