I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
