Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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