drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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