She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
