I need to stop coming to work sober
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
