Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
