Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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