great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
soo... how was my night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
