i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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