So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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