It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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