I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
