When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just had sex bonerless
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
