shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
