Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
