Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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