i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
