You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
