So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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