Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
