At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize