Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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