theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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